EDIT EDIT EDIT!!::

I recently posted up a group of kitty cat pictures that I recieved in an email. I did not know they were copy writed, but so far two have been *poofed* for this reason. I have taken them out of my gallery. If you want the pictures, leave me your email addresse, and I will send them to you. Still sent by email like I got them, just not shown on Da. Sorry for all of those out there who liked them. I tried to show something cute, but apparently I can't share stuff like this with you. I am still new at this. Once again, I'm sorry.



For those of you out there who don't want to hear something depressing or someone venting then feel free to ignore this journal entry.

My life has gone to crap. I want to say something before I tell you about what I initially wanted to write to you about. I haven't been on DA long, and there is still a lot I don't know. I recieved some pictures in an email, and I thought they were cute. I asked the guy who sent them if I could post them up here, and he said yes. So I did. I was in NO WAY trying to make money off them, or take credit for work that wasn't mine. I just loved them so much I thought others would like to see. THAT IS ALL!! I offered to give credit to whom ever they belonged to if they would just tell me. I have had one taken off, and possibly another. (which is the most loved by the way out of all of them) I found out that all it takes is someone "not liking it" to get something taken off DA. They don't even have to have basis for it. I understand trying to take something off if they were taking credit for it, or trying to do something illeagle like making money. But I'm not doing either!! Was I wrong to post these? I was just trying to share something nice with other people, but if I was wrong in doing this then I will never do it again......

Ok, this incident only added to the crap that has been happening in the last two days. I found out that one of my good friends is leaving a rp because of complications with the gm. She has good reason to leave, but I am sad to see her go. She is such a good role player with inventive ideas. The rp will be loosing one of it's best. My husband may be losing his job, but thank the Lord that this didn't happen. Found out today. Our car may be reposessed. I lost my job some months back, and money has been difficult to come by just for food. The new puppy that Jason brought home I had to give to my brother. His wife is an abuser, and I can't stand her. I didn't want her to have the dog, but everone else in my family was against me. Not to mention we didn't have the money. I came down with a fevor right after one of my closest friends of 5 years broke my heart (what I wanted to write about). Yeah, life for me SUCKS right now. *cries some more*

Now, I have a question. Have any of you out there ever had a friend that you just loved with all your heart? Someone that you such a strong friendship with that you thought that you could go through anything together? Now, has that friend hurt you over, and over, and over again? :sigh: Well, I have one such friend. I love very deeply mind you. Heart, body, and soul. It's just who I am. Spending time, effort, and energy into a person is like giving them a piece of yourself. Even if you aren't lovers type love, it's still close, and still can hurt. I have hurt this friend before too so I am no saint. One big thing about friendship is about forgiveness. We have fogiven each other numerous times. But this person just has some issues that I have been helping him deal with ever since I met him, and at great cost to my heart. He is much better now than when we first met. Something he actually told me was to my credit.

People underestimate the power to True love these days. I know that sounds so hippyish, but how many poeple that you know of these days will love with no stipulations, no conditions, and no judgments? Someone who will love you as close to unconditional as us humans can get? Well, if I bond with someone I love them like this. No, I'm not bragging. There is a reason humans don't want to love like this. IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!! Like a literal hell... as in the place, not the expression. True it has it's benefits, and I could never find it in me to stop loving like this.. but that still doesn't mean I don't find myself in utter heart wrenching pain at times. Give and take. After all, it's what Jesus went through loving us after all. Aren't we supposed to follow his example? That also means, understanding his pain too.

He has come to conclusions and realizations that would drasticly help improve himself if he would actually put them into practice. But you know the old saying, "It's easier said than done" may be true.. .you still have to try. He is prone to self pity and self destructive thoughts so trying to share my feelings with him without getting something judgemental, sarcastic, or pitying is pretty near impossible. So that is why I am writing it here. I can not take the pain any more. I am not God, and my heart can only take so much. I am loyal to my friends till the bitter end, and I will stay near you through thick and thin. But you also need to learn from the past, and use common sence. If the friendship is damaging you mentally and emotionally then it is not healthy to stay in it... correct?? Mind you I can never stop being his friend. I just don't have it in me. If he reads this I very well may get "Oh, well you are better off without me. I will let you go, good bye" self pity response from him. No one can help you if you don't let them, and only as far as you let them. I have helped him some, but he has not helped himself in the most needed ways. He knows what he needs to do. But Pride is what keeps a lot of peope from becoming better. They don't want to admit that they were wrong, and even if they admit it... aren't willing to change it. They say they will, but it doesn't actually go into practice. Know what I mean? This is tough love. I have been pushed into tears because people used this on me, or were just hurtful when they said things that were actually true. Either way I have done all that I can to better myself. My husband is a major contributor to this, and on occations I ask him how I've gotten better, regressed, or not changed. I trust him to give me an HONEST answer. *gasp* Yes, a woman who just doesn't get insulted, but wants honesty! THE WORLD IS ENDING!! (just kidding)

Religion and the origon of ones soul is a very touchy subject for a lot of people. But think of it this way. IF there is an after life, and IF there is such a think as a soul who will live forever.... then where you ended up would be a very big concern right?? Could you imagine someone you loved so deeply, cared about with all your heart, living in a never ending hell. Wether you believe it to be fire and brimstone or your own created hell..... It's still HELL with no end. That's it. No turning back. Finished. Would that not make you worried? Concerned? Scared even? Would making sure that this does not happen with your friend not be worth some "testyness" or even all out anger to be asured of? If you are friends with someone for 5 years, wouldn't they know you well enough to understand your tendancys? He knows what I believe, knows that I am passionate about it, knows that it is as much a part of me as my love for unicorns, and you would think that he would (even if uncomfortable and upset) would understand me asking him such a question. I even tried to explain to him how much I cared, that I wasn't trying to "bible bash" him, and that it was something of the utmost concern and importance to me. Well, he yelled at me (everything in caps) told me I was mad and need to calm down. He then told me I had not understood a word he said about his believes, and slammed the door in my face. (logged off imeadiatly without my responce)

Now, another thing... he does this (log off) slap to me when ever he gets mad. I do not... ever. Even if mad. So this I was used to. What hurt me is the fact he did not even try to understand how I felt like a friend should, he made assumptions that were not true, and slapped me in the face one... more... time. I understood what he had told me, and his beliefs the entire time. I asked him a simple yes or no question that he beat around the bush on. Are you sposed to make "assumptions" when asking a friend something? Some people expect you to, and get upset if you ask fro clearifacation. I always ask for this because I can be dence at times. I want to MAKE SURE that I got what they were saying correct. "Proper Communication" is key in any relationship of any kind. Well, this is what he did with me. He Wanted me to asume, as if to read his mind, and when I didn't he yelled at me then slapped me. Does this remind you of anyone? For those of you that said "Women" then you are very right. A lot of women expect men to read their minds on any number of issues, and this is something I have always hated. I am guilty of it every once in a while, but I try my best not to. If I find myself doing it, I explain myself promptly. Well this is what happened to me.

Needless to say I was in tears that night. If it wasn't for the fact that I came down with a fevor imeadiatly after ward and passed out, I would have been like that all night. The fevor was not his fault, but it didn't make matters better. Supprisingly enough, he got sick right afterward to. Why on that one, I don't know. Yes, he is truly sick... I got confirmation that he just wasn't "avoiding" me. Well, now that I have vented and shared, please no judgemental comments. I will hide them. I am in to sensitve a mind state to really respond to something like that as I know I should I am over emotional, I admit it. I know when to respond, and when not to. You can be emtional and still be mature about it. I've been like this my entire life... it's not been easy, but I have done by best to learn.

Now, I come to a place where I ask myself... how can I make this stop? Some say grow a "thicker skin" when it comes to my emotions. I have tried this many times, and does not work with me. I always wonder why... Some say, "Drop him" but I can't do this either. I am TIRED of always being hurt by him, or letting him hurt me. This is the "Straw that broke the camel's back" as the old saying goes. I have to come to some sort of conclusion. I have to do something, or else this cycle will never end. I am trying to distance myself from him for the moment (aside from both of us being sick) in order to think things through. You normally have to walk on "eggshells" around him and his "sensitive feelings." Does he care about my sensitive feelings? He says yes, but he doesn't show it. It's like he cares initially, but when he talks he doesn't actually consider how what he may say or do will affect someone else. Especially a friend of 5 years that he knows ALSO has sensitive feelings at times. When I talk to him again, I need to know Exactly what to say to him. There can be no hessitation, no wondering. Will I forgive him? Yes. Why? Because God says to forgive. He helps to give us the strength to do so. Will I let this continue? No. It stops here and now. Any advice would be much appriciated. Thank you.

I may not be around much for a while as I deal with all this. If you have advice on the DA situation, that would be appriciated too. This is KiraBree signing off.

Kira Bree aka Prisma Blaze